Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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