last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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