Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
