Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
