i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
