Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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