I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
