worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm at about main and main street
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
