I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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