Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
