i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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