i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
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There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
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Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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