She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
