My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
