im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
