If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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