Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
