Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
