she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
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Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
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The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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