I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
