Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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