Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
