How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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