you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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