umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
