he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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