we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
