I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
