There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
