i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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