coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
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Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
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I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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