can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
