Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I checked into jail on foursquare
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
