He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
