First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
