We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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