I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
