Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
