Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
