he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
