she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
