Do you still have your period?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
