I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
