There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
