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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
