I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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