I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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