god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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