My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
