Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
