Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
