i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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