she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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