a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
