i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
