Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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