eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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