I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
