i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
