tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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