my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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