I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
