Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
