3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
