Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
