When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
